It’s taken me about a week to work up the courage to write this post. At first I was embarrassed that I didn’t meet my goals for 2015. This time last year, I thought that I’d be photographing full time. I would be pitching stories at a community newspaper or shooting assignments for many freelance clients.

I didn’t imagine that many hours of my year would be spent working double shifts in restaurants. And I didn’t want to admit how many times I found myself overwhelmed, crawling under my covers, wracked with too much anxiety to work on projects dear to my heart. I didn’t want to admit that instead of focusing on making pictures and growing relationships, I worried about money and work and doubted whether I was good enough.

I began the year hopefully in Jasper, Indiana, where I finished up a six-month-long internship that changed my heart and eye for the better. Surrounded by mentors and learning to shoot events that had been shot by more talented photographers before me in new, stylish and storytelling ways was an adventure I couldn’t have anticipated.

Halfway through January I traveled to South Korea (where I studied abroad in 2013) to work on a story about the young North Korean refugee community in Seoul through the generosity of the IU School of Journalism’s Hazeltine Travel Scholarship. I was terrified.

I love Seoul so much and I believe I did good work while I was there. But I psyched myself out about the project so much that when I wasn’t photographing Kyung-ok, I could barely bring myself to do anything but lay in my room. I forced myself to walk the streets and make pictures.

While I was there I collected still images and footage a short documentary. I haven’t been able to share the project yet, because I haven’t finished subtitling and editing the video. This is the thing that fills me with the most dread. The girls I photographed let me into their lives and told me their most treasured stories and I let my anxieties keep their story from being shared.

I promise it will be soon.

When I returned, I tried to keep up the momentum, but there was absolutely so much to go through.

About a week after returning, I knew I needed to start making money again so I picked up a job at La Margarita, a lovely restaurant in Fountain Square, the neighborhood in Indy where Eric and Andrew lived.

While living downtime, I managed to find some freelance work with the Indianapolis Star and a few other local publications.

In March I began shooting senior portraits of family friends and I shot my first wedding, that of Evan and Kenzie Hoopfer, who I met in Bloomington. I was so happy to be making pictures.

I continued to apply for photo work, and eventually landed an internship. I relaxed a little. I had my next thing planned.

But it fell through because the paper couldn’t afford to keep the program up and running. It was another awakening to the business-side of journalism that I hadn’t given a lot of thought to.

Around the same time, things in our neighborhood in Indy were getting more dangerous. There were shootings on our street and our house was broken into. A couple weeks later, some kids set an abandoned house next to ours aflame, and our garage burned to the ground.

Eric, Andrew and I decided to move to Phoenix, Arizona.

Almost immediately after arriving, I panicked and picked up a restaurant job again. It would just be a stop-gap, I told myself, my parents, my friends. But five months later I’m still working 40~ hours a week and freelancing whenever I can. It’s not bad, though. The owners are Korean and I get to practice speaking with them every day. I’ve learned a lot about the community from regular customers and my co-workers. And it’s helped me to generate a lot of story ideas.

While I complain too much about the boring work or rude customers, it’s a good place to work and the owner lets me take days off on short notice if I get a call from an editor. Her daughter is a videographer in New York City, so she really does get it.

In October, I attended the Eddie Adams Workshop, for which I had applied many times before unsuccessfully. It was completely surreal to be invited for a weekend of photo family and incredible lessons.

After I returned from New York, I was able to freelance more and learn more about the culture here in Arizona.

I’ve continued shooting weddings and family shoots whenever I get the opportunity.

While I’m not where I want to be, I have to admit that I am probably in a better place than I give myself credit for. I’m about to enter my 24th year, and I have gotten to photograph for two of my all-time favorite newspapers. Additionally, the personal project Eric and I have been working on was published in Midwest-based Driftless Magazine.

Through it all, my loved ones have been my guiding light. Moving westward to the fifth biggest U.S. city from small-town Indiana roots has been tough. I’ve learned to be more flexible and kind with myself and my goals while still keeping my eye on the prize. I’ve learned to live a more balanced life and to combat my anxiety every day. I’ve made an effort to not get too wrapped-up in how well my peers are shooting and I am no longer embarrassed to tell people I’m a food counter cashier.

As I look through my photos from the year I have to say it’s been an incredible 2015. Thank you all for your support, it means so much more than I can adequately express.

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2015 Reflection

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