This has been one stressful week.

Thanks for reading. I think blogging might help to feel connected to home, remember my experience, stay organized/proactive and keep me reliable and honest about how my experiences shape my project. Reflection is usually a good thing for me, and if I keep it public, hopefully I will do it with some frequency.

This is going to be a long post. So, TL;DR: I lost access to my original source, I can’t afford Korean peanut butter, I suck at speaking Korean, I have some great friends, I met my awesome translator, reporting struggles, delicious Korean food and I found a new source.

I arrived in Seoul on Jan. 26 after nearly twenty-four hours of traveling. The flight from Chicago to Japan was particularly brutal. I don’t do well with sitting still, but I got a lot of reading done. (Thanks, E, for your Kindle. And thank you, Andrew for the book recommendation.)

Eager to begin my reporting about the North Koreans who I met in Seoul in 2013 through an NGO called NAUH (Now Action Unity for North Korean Human Rights), I contacted my main source on Tuesday. And while we previously spoke for nearly a year, unfortunately, he and his family have decided that he cannot be photographed anymore. I did not push farther, I respect him and his family and the decision for defectors to go public puts them in very real danger from North Korean authorities who contact known defectors in Seoul to try to convince them to return.

Recently, Kim Jong-Un has been circulating propaganda that defectors who return home are happier and will not be harmed. But in the past, repatriation has been cause to send the perpetrators and three generations of their family to prison work camps. According to the above linked report from Reuters, “During the first quarter of 2013, the monthly average of new defectors was down 15 percent from the previous year.” and “[In 2012] the number of defectors entering South Korea fell 44 percent to 1,509 from 2,706 in 2011, South Korean government data shows. In 2010, 2,402 defectors arrived and 2,900 in 2009.”

Life in Seoul is difficult for defectors, and some do return or dream of returning. I have been told that while most South Koreans hope for a better future for their common ancestors, they immediately recognize a North Korean accent, and are understandably curious, wary and even suspicious of defectors. From early in their education, South Koreans learn about the North Korean state and the civil war and threats of nuclear attack. Additionally, sometimes North Korean government agents pose as defectors. Due to all of this and other cultural differences, North Koreans often feel isolated. They sometimes find the capitalist country too individualistic and narcissistic and the freedom daunting.

Nevertheless, many are speaking out against the regime and are working toward a life they are choosing for themselves. My goal is to share a few of these stories. With any big project, I am re-planning and re-organizing. After my original plans fell through, I began contacting all my sources here and using every avenue I could imagine to find defectors whom I could photograph safely and who were willing. I knew I would have to be malleable during this reporting trip. And it turns out that another one of my sources is currently studying abroad. I began to think that my pre-reporting/pre-interviewing which I tried to do in Korean was sloppy and unorganized. I wanted to be challenged, and I got my wish.

It was a long, anxious few days of hearing nothing. I felt so in over my head.

I met with a few friends and had meals and drinks in which I mostly blabbed about my backup plans B, C and D.

But it did feel great to be back in this city. As I warmed up and unclenched my knuckles, I enjoyed acclimating. My friend Patrick (who I did a story on in 2013) and I met up and went to our favorite ramen shop. The owner had given us a coupon for a free meal should we ever return to Korea (I don’t think he thought we actually would.) It was an amazing experience to surprise the shop owner and to enjoy that meal.

And then I was able to meet my translator, Jun Michael Park. He is a Seoul-based photojournalist who has been following the Sewol ferry sinking disaster and the bereaved families’ protests. He has a great project ongoing about one father in particular Kim Young-Oh, who has been on hunger strike. The fact that he’s a photojournalist and a translator (he worked with NPR during their reporting of the ferry tragedy) puts so much of my mind at ease. He understands American photojournalism and the kind of access I need, but he also has the cultural, political and social knowledge that I lack. He will be vital to this project, and I’m so grateful to him for agreeing.

He and I had a good discussion about another cultural and political issue I will be traversing: the nature of celebrity among defectors. South Koreans are suspicious that North Koreans sometimes exaggerate their story in order to gain status as a public figure. This provides them access to resources, speaking engagements that pay and a lot of other opportunities. This is difficult to write about, but there has recently been some backlash about defector activists, most famously Shin Dong-Hyuk, whose testimony is the basis for Escape from Camp 14, (also including Park Yeon-Mi, who, full disclosure, I photographed in 2013 and we have remained in some contact since) for possibly exaggerating their language and stories. Personally, I have not made up my mind about how I feel about this. I think that Mr. Apt (quoted in the article linked) might be an unreliable source. Additionally, these stories questioning defectors’ testimony derail the real conversation—there is a huge human rights crisis in the DPRK and we need to do more to help the people. But I need to keep a healthy dose of journalistic skepticism in the forefront of my mind for this project. There is no sure way to verify the testimonies of those who I interview.

Defectors who return to the North also receive status as a celebrity returnee, often bribed with money and told that they will be featured on Pyeongyang television (to talk about how much they hate the South).

And now for some good news! Today I believe I have found a source. She is a young defector who came to South Korea via China in 2008. She is still in high school in Seoul, but she is outspoken and involved with activism. She wants to be heard, and I want to share her story. How incredible is that? I’m meeting her for coffee tomorrow to conduct an initial interview!

For the sake of brevity (or, well, wrapping this long post up) and to avoid rambling, I’m going to use lists for the more personal parts post.

Things that are difficult:
- I miss my loved ones.
- My Korean is very limited.
- Moving to Seoul from Jasper, Indiana was gigantic shock to my system.
- I am afraid of this project. (But I also know that that’s an indication that it’s important).
- Koreans are camera shy (unless they have control of the camera and how they are portrayed. For example, sel-cas (self-camera / selfies) are ubiquitous, but local media blurs out faces on television news.
- I stand out a lot as a 5’10” white woman with blue eyes.
- It’s pretty awkward to eat alone in Korea. But, really, I don’t mind. After all, Seoulites expect foreigners to do weird things.
- I can’t find oatmeal in Korea and peanut butter is outrageously expensive. So is fruit. I also don’t have a refrigerator or microwave in my room. I do, however have a burner, so I will take advantage of that and of the (probably more cost-effective) option of many local restaurants.

Things I’m grateful for (Let’s finish on a positive note!) :
- I believe I’ve found another source who is willing to be photographed!
- The support of IU for making this project possible.
- My mentors, and the photojournalism community, for everyone’s help and support.
- The kindness of the Korean woman who helped me with my baggage when there wasn’t an escalator at my subway stop in Singil.
- Patrick being in Seoul and being a fantastic friend.
- My host family’s kindness and patience with my awful Korean. (And for a delicious breakfast on my first morning.)
- My familiarity with the Seoul metro and my (minimal but survival) Korean language skills.
- Jun Park agreeing to be my translator and resource for my project.
- A small but caring network of friends in Seoul.
- Korean street food: A stand in my neighborhood sells delicious and cheap dumplings (만두).
- My ability to run and do yoga (poorly).
- Wide availability of free WiFi (raises hands in praise emoji) and coffee shops to work in and meet at.
- Eric, for his constant love and friendship and support. And for letting me borrow his Kindle, which I’ve been reading constantly on public transportation and in free time.
- The comfort of escaping into story. I’ve just finished “Ready Player One” by Ernest Cline and highly recommend it. I’m now reading “The Sirens of Titan” by Kurt Vonnegut and “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman.

If you got down this far, thank you. You’re rad.